I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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