He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I met the friendliest cop last night
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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