you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
