JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
