god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize