Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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