Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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