trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
