Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
