now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
