I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
