we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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