You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize