every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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