About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
