he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
