2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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