pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
