did you get engaged???
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
