My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
me + whiskey = a bad person
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I would ride that face into the sunset
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
