I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
