I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
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