It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
