How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
