The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize