I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
