i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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