physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize