it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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