idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
