Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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