There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize