sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize