It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
