I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
