Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Randomize
