I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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