Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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