You work out of a Hotel?
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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