yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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