tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
