I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i may or may not be watching the land before time
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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