Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
