I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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