god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
