I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
