Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
