I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
