dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
