Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My ATM looks so different sober.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
