Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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