I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
