The maid of honor just puked.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
