I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
