i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
