You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Randomize
