i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
