I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
