There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
We got so high we made milksteak
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
