True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We were destined to go to rehab together
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
