im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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