I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Randomize
